Season 1 quotesEdit

101: Dan vs. New MexicoEdit

Dan: *yawns* Today's gonna be a good day. *Sits up and hits his head on a hanging lamp.* Ow! *The lamp swings and hits his head two more times before he stops it with his hand. Then when he gets out of bed he slips on a burrito on the floor and falls flat on his back.* Great! There goes breakfast! *stubs his toe on a box* Ow! My foot! Stupid thing! *kicks it again and hurts his toe yet again* OW! My foot! Stupid thing. *is about to kick it again but stops* See? I learn. *he starts backing up and hits his head on the lamp again*

Dan: Don't even know why I put that lamp there in the first place. What the heck would you make a swinging lamp for!? Makes me want to burn down the 70's! *trips over an armadillo, down the steps, and onto the ground beside his car* Was that an armadillo? *armadillo hisses at him and rolls away* I'm gonna laugh when you're road-kill. What the...? Not my car! Cactus needles? Red dirt? Adobe?! NEW MEXICOOOOO!!!

Dan: None of this is helping!

Chris: Shh!

Dan: Don't shush me! You don't shush me!! NOBODY SHUSHES ME!!!

  • There is a pause*

Chris: Shh. *Dan throws a book in his face*

Chris: Well, that's the first time I've ever been thrown out of a library.

Dan: You get used to it.

Chris: I need lunch first.

Dan: It's ten in the morning!

Chris: It's noon somewhere.

Chris: Are you going to behave yourself this time? *Dan pinches Chris's nose* Ow! What was that for!?

Dan: You talk to me like a child, I bincha you!

Chris: Just keep your cool.

Dan: We'll see.

Dan: He's talking in code! Get him! *He lunges at the librarian but Chris grabs him by the back of his shirt.*

Chris: It's not code, Dan, it's the Dewey Decimal system.

Dan: Which is a code!

Chris: Well yes, but, it's a benign one. *drops Dan*

Dan: So he's just talking about books?

Chris: He is a librarian.

Chris: Okay, but I'm not killing anyone.

Dan: WHAT!?

Chris: I'm not killing someone for the librarian, that's a deal-breaker.

Dan: You've run over dozens of cyclists!

Chris: Yeah, but they've all lived!

Dan: I wonder if he knows how lucky he is.. I wonder if he knows how lucky we are? *the man he was talking about gets hit by an eighteen wheeler truck*

Chris: Dan, that man looks really hurt.

Dan: Hey, you date a married woman and you get hit by a bus. Karma!

Chris: I'm not sure that's how karma works.

Dan: Devil's throne New Mexico, devil's wash-basin New Mexico, devil's highway New Mexico! See Chris? Evil!

Chris: That doesn't prove anything!

Dan: It proves that the devil keeps a bunch of his stuff there!

Man who got run over: Am I gonna make it?

Paramedic: Of course you are son.

Dan: See? He's fine.

  • Paramedic whistles and shakes his head while making a throat-cut signal to the other paramedic.*

Elise: So, you're going to New Mexico why?

Chris: Dan wants to disrupt the annual hot-air balloon festival.

Elise: Because...?

Chris: New Mexico broke his window.

Elise: That's completely absurd! Can I come along?

Dan: Crowbar, hammer, flashlight, survival knife, Brutus, throwing bricks, half a turckey sandwich... that oughta do. *He stands up and everything falls out when the backpack rips open.* Perfect.

Elise: You're not the only one with a grudge against New Mexico Dan .

  • Flashback shows Elise as a kid at an amusement park in New Mexico. There she is shown having been surrounded by a pack of roadrunners who eat her cotton candy and a cactus pops her balloon afterwards.*

Flashback Elise: NEW MEXICOOOOO!

  • Back in the present*

Dan: Hello? I asked what it did to you!

Elise: I don't want to talk about it.

Dan: You can't say something like that and not follow up! Chris! Back me on this! CHRIS!

  • Chris is shown to be asleep at the wheel. Elise grabs the steering wheel and swerves to avoid being hit by another car while Dan is being thrown about in the back seat.*

Chris: (To Dan who is holding his eye-lids open with his fingers) This is really not necessary.

Dan: It really is.

Chris: Come on, we're in the desert, my eyes are drying out!

Dan: *Closes his fingers quickly so Chris can blink.* Blink.

Elise: Anybody want anything?

Dan: Only my sweet, sweet revenge! And maybe some peanut brittle. *He yawns and a rock hits him in the back of the head. He whips around and sees a sign that says 'Arizona' on it.* You'll get yours Arizona. *Adds the state of Arizona to his revenge list.*

Elise: Fine, but we're having salad for dinner.

Chris: But Dan said we're having burgers.

Elise: If Dan jumped off a cliff, would you?

  • Camera zooms in as Chris thinks for a while*

Elise: Chris! *Chris stutters as he tries to explain*

Chris: I mean it depends!

Elise: Don't jump off a cliff!

Chris: Well I wasn't planning on it.

Elise: But if Dan jumped you would?!

  • Camera zooms in on Chris's blank face again*

Elise: CHRIS!